how can i l-o-v-e when there is so much h-a-t-e?

h-a-t-e. for letters are merged into words and words are merged into speech and speech is merged into… i have something to say.

h-a-t-e. that my existence is a burden. so much w-o-r-k. so little return. my experience is unfounded they say, too smart for my own good they say, i must be lying they say, your version is illogical they say, you are going to be successful they say – but which one is it

make up your m-i-n-d.

m-i-n-d. for letters are merged into words and words are merged into speech and speech is merged into… i have something to say.

m-i-n-d. my own business is never enough. my b-o-d-y is mined. punished for doing the way i was taught i still do not know what was expected of me. i should have known better they say, i’m smarter than that they say, what did i expect they say – i do not know

but i needed to k-n-o-w.

k-n-o-w. for letters are merged into words and words are merged into speech and speech is merged into… i have something to say.

k-n-o-w. that i must be heard. what i n-e-e-d is valid. from the inside out I am shouting in silence my trembling a result of the reverberations. whats wrong with you they say, your always angry they say, you’re so difficulty they say – i don’t think you get it

i just needed to f-e-e-l.

f-e-e-l. for letters are merged into words and words are merged into speech and speech is merged into… i have something to say.

f-e-e-l. some way i must. override the f-e-a-r. digging deep only to let go of the anger that feeds me. to change the knowing to feeling is h-a-r-d w-o-r-k. you’re so independent they say, you’re so distant they say – same behaviour different expectations, make the confusion

go away just s-t-o-p!

s-t-o-p. for letters are merged into words and words are merged into speech and speech is merged into… i have something to say.

s-t-o-p. the madness its making me s-i-c-k. or am i in sane, uh-tea? caffeine free? please. just breathe. no one is listening. just breathe. try harder. just breathe. can’t they see what they are doing to me? GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME! no need to shout they say

just breathe

there is no perfect ending