I recently had an interaction with a White male community member. The interaction was over email, as most are these days, and occurred in the context of my advocacy work to end gender-based violence.

His openness to dialogue and lack of defensiveness made me believe he was genuine in his communication with me and desire to learn more about what I was saying. However, when the following sentence he wrote, “While there is likely more violence for women, I know that also men and boys are abused. Sometimes it seems that it might be even harder for them to come out”; my heart sank. I immediately became exhausted.

This sentence is a staple example of the stereotypes and myths that are baked into the way we think about gender-based violence while at the same time, revealed the political stance of the person I was conversing with over email. The comment ignores statistics showing the overwhelming rate at which women are killed by the men in their lives (“likely”) and not the other way around. It suggests that, by using the term “gender-based violence” that I am referring only to violence experienced by straight cis-women from straight cis-men therefore excluding the 2SLGBTQAI+ community. This comment also pits the ‘binary’ genders (men and women) against each other in a sick competition for who is worse off in an epidemic of violence effectively shutting down any potential for discussion about what to do about the fact that violence exists.

Gender-Based Violence

I take an anti-violence position and a stance against violence that is not limited to straight, White women and girls. It includes children, Indigenous people, 2SLGBTQAI+ people, disabled people, immigrants, BIPOC and yes, men. I myself struggle with the term ‘gender-based violence’ because it is so strongly, in people’s minds, associated with violence against (White) straight, cis-women. So much so that, in discussions with people, it is often revealed through the language they use and the assumptions they make that gender-based violence is used synonymously to speak about cis-women who are sexually violated by cis-men. In addition, the term ‘gender-based violence’ does not acknowledge how intersections of race, disability, age, and class are also partially responsible for why certain genders experience more violence than others.

I do recognize that men experience violence. But at the same time, I also hold the truth that while men are not the only ones to commit violence, they are statistically more likely to be the perpetrators of violence against other people. Including other men. Regardless whether an individual man commits violence or not, there will be things they do that are inherently sexist or inherently violent and serve to uphold the prevalence of gender-based violence simply due to the fact that they identify as a male.

I will say the exact thing about white people. White people are the status-quo. As a white person, I have picked up the anti-racist torch and am doing reading, learning, and listening to become truly, anti-racist. Therefore, I expect the same from men. Whether they commit violence or not (just like someone thinks they are a racist or not), there will be things they do that perpetuate violence simply due to the fact that they are a male.

So Then … What About the Men?

My research focuses on how institutions and organizations sustain and perpetuate gender-based violence through policies, legislation and regulatory bodies set up to enforce these texts/documents. In this body of literature, there is an overwhelming absence of the voices of men and boys. I believe this is because of many reasons but that because men are not allowed to be fully human (e.g. boys don’t cry, man up, just deal with it) and because of the fact that our society accepts violence against women, children and 2SLGBTQAI+ people as normal and something that the victim is responsible for (e.g. she must have asked for it, children need to be disciplined, not conforming to a gender is an offence that needs to be punished). As such, not only would it be logical that men would have limited motivation for change because their violence is tolerated (boys will just be boys), they are less likely to seek the help needed to confront the things (e.g. men don’t talk about their feelings) that cause them to be violence and do the work to learn non-violent ways to be in the world.

So, as a white male, you yourself may not consider or think of yourself as violent just in the same way that I, as a white female, would not think of myself as racist. However, the reality is that there are things that humans do inherently, without even being fully conscious of them, that perpetuate systems of gender-based violence and racism. As far as I am concerned, men who do not think they have any work to do when it comes to gender-based violence (just like white people and racism) whether personally, at a community or societal level are also, part of the problem.

It is everyone’s job to speak up against and dismantle violence and oppression. Especially if it means speaking up to yourself.

Until next time …