Well, they say first impressions last forever and you don’t want to get off on the wrong foot but I’m not planning to live forever and I have bunions on both my feet so I’ve got nothing to lose.

At the time of writing this, I am 33 years old. I am a single, white female who is also, potentially, over-educated. I will not apologize for it nor does it meant that this blog will be free of spelling and/or grammar errors either. And (first grammar error?) even though I’m not comfortable talking about in the open yet, questioning my sexuality. So I will save that topic for a later date ….

Life blows sometimes. And I have a roof over my head and have been, with the aid of a roommate, managing to pay my bills. I have gratitude for these things and do not take them for granted but that does not mean that I can not acknowledge that this world we live in can really give us a run for our money. Understatement.

So why am I writing this blog? This conversation with myself that for some reason not only have I decided to make public but that I assume other people also want to spend their time reading? Because I have been keeping journals for a while and needed a new outlet. Because WordPress is free. Because maybe, just maybe, someone might hear what I am saying, identify with me and not feel alone. I am a victim/survivor of sexual assault. Interpersonal (aka domestic) violence.

The thought of the white male (statement is for statistical purposes only) who decided that my body and life was worth so little that he was entitled to do what he wanted to it still makes me want to vomit. It is a hard thing to swallow. Full of chunks, disturbingly warm, bitter and leaves an acidic aftertaste in my mouth for hours no matter how many times I brush my teeth.

I did go to the police and filed a report and the case is still before the courts and so I will not be discussing the specifics yet because it almost seems as though our justice system in Canada looks for or creates reasons to delay or deny justice for victims when it comes to sexual assault. The last thing I need is to be accused of something because I shared too much in a blog.

What I will say is the whole experience has been terrible. Police interviews of a questionable caliber, endless delays while the accused takes more than 16 months to decide if he wants to plead guilty or not guilty. That is right. He, or rather his lawyer, has managed to extend the time that he needs to make a decision by almost 1.5 years and so after almost 1.5 years, I still do not know if all of the anguish I have had to endure will even result in a court date.

The response that I get from the crown attorney and the victim witness office when I ask why there is such a delay and how this is possible is that “there are some cases that take longer than yours you know”. Oh yes, I am sooo sorry, where were my manners? I can not believe I had any expectations about this process.

More importantly, that statement suggests first of all that my complaints are not valid. The system is the system and I am just supposed to deal with it. Sorry darling. Second of all, that statement fails to make my situation any better. In fact, it makes things worse. It confirms that there is AN ENTIRE SYSTEM of sexual assault victims who are left stewing in their experience, unable to move forward past the trauma for years. And those are just the select few who chose to add to their despair by reporting, allures by a false promise of criminal justice. How is that acceptable? Why am I the one who has to curb my expectations? Stop patronizing me and just acknowledge that the delay times are unacceptable. It is hardly news. Which is sad.

Up until today, I have filed a police report, been interviewed more than once by separate detectives and while he has been arrested, he has not decided if he wants to plead guilty or not guilty. All of this, according to the victim witness worker that I have been connected with, is completely normal, part of the process and not something I should be worried about at this point …. clearly trauma and suffering are not variables used to gauge how serious or impactful a delay time is.

Today, I received an email from my worker informing me of a preliminary hearing that has been scheduled for the new year. A preliminary hearing is similar to a court hearing. It determines if there is enough evidence to warrant a full hearing. There is a judge, the defense, the crown, he will be there (the accused), myself and any other witnesses. Whether or not he has plead guilty or not at this point is not information I have.

Had he plead guilty, I doubt there would be a need to determine if there was enough evidence ….. so I am assuming there is still no plea or a not guilty plea. With a ‘no plea’ situation, this would be his chance for the charges to be dropped (due to there not being enough evidence) and he would get away with rape.

What I am disappointed about is that this email that I received today was THE FIRST TIME that I have learned that preliminary hearings are a thing. I had no idea that I would have to do this – essentially engage in TWO criminal hearings but for the same case. A full on what-the-fuck? How could that detail have slipped the victim witness worker’s mind? This is not the first time I have felt like I was not fully informed and the authorities on the other end are failing to fill me in on what is actually going on, including all steps of the process, for one reason or another.

My hope is that in this short post you take away the following points. Even if a sexual assault victim’s report leads to an arrest, things will be stagnant for an indeterminate amount of time. Reporting is an individual choice yet when a victim goes to do so, the risks, benefits and alternatives and resulting processes that could be enacted when a report is made is not clearly outlined for the person reporting. In other words, I did not know what I was getting myself into. Offices established to support victims are stretched and constrained therefore services and support are limited.

To all of those who have gone through this process, to those of you who have chosen not to, for those of you who felt reporting (for whatever reason) was not an option and to those of you who may have to experience this monstrosity in the future – You are not alone. I believe you. You are strong as hell. And we all deserve better.

Until next time.